Eden's Life Lessons: Spa Edition

I have spent much of my adult life in customer service-oriented jobs.  Retail, waiting tables, answering phones, even a brief stint into tour management and concert prep.  As a result, I firmly believe that everyone--I say, everyone--should have a job in at least one of these fields.  Really, I think everyone should have to spend a year working in a position where the salary is based solely on tips.  Like other countries make their youth spend a year in the military after their high school equivalent, I think Americans should spend one year waiting tables.  It would make us a better people.  No, really.

That said, for those of you who have never worked in a job where you are serving the public (read:  dealing with 6 different kinds of crazy before 11:00 am), or even if you have, here are some rules to live by.

1.)  Be nice to the people who answer the phones--they are the ones making your reservations and scheduling your appointments.  Not only do they have the power to "accidentally" rearrange the schedule, they WILL report any abuse they endure to the massage therapist/esthetician/doctor/stylist/server you might be coming in to see.  It would be a shame if your appointment got "lost."

2.)  Do not automatically assume, just because I answer phones for a living, that I am an idiot.  Excuse me.  I have 2 degrees, and a whole helluva lotta class (see?).  Treat me with respect and dignity, and I'll do the same.

3.)  People:  If you want to come to a spa for a massage or a facial on the weekend, please understand that EVERYONE ELSE DOES, TOO.  I am not trying to be personally vindictive (unless, of course, you have broken Rules 1 or 2--see above), but I only have so many appointments to go around.  Therefore, do not act like it's my fault when you call at 6pm on a Friday night and I cannot accommodate your request for a 2 hour Couples Massage on Saturday morning.  Plan ahead, you ninny.

4.)  Tipping etiquette is the same, regardless of the industry:  18-20%, and that's on the low end of things.  $5 on a $65 dollar meal?  No, sir.  $5 on a $95 spa treatment?  Get out, and don't come back.  If you've never had to rely on tips for your income, you can't understand.  But you should.  If you can't afford to leave a reasonable tip, then you can't afford to eat out or get a massage.  Budget it in, or stay home.

5.)  Use.  Your.  Words.  When you come in and throw a gift card in my face, how the hell am I supposed to know what to do with it?  Do you have an appointment today?  Are you redeeming it for someone else?  Intelligent though I may be, I'm not Miss Cleo, so don't expect me to read your damn mind.

6.)  When you ask what appointments I have available for today, and I don't list 2:00 as an option, it means IT'S NOT AN OPTION.  So, after I have listed the times, don't then ask me, "Don't you have anything at 2 today?"  If I did, you would have heard me say so.  (And remember, I control the book.  Don't argue with me.)

7.)  There is such a thing as over-sharing.  I don't need to know your detailed medical history.  I don't particularly want to know about your cat named Mr. Whiskers.  And ma'am, I understand that you recently lost your husband, but telling me about it EVERY TIME WE TALK just makes for socially awkward interactions.

8.)  Parents:  Children under the age of 16?  Do not need to have ANYTHING waxed.  The more you harp on your daughter about her eyebrows, the more you solidify for her a life of anxiety and self-doubt.  P.S.  If you want anything below the belt waxed on your child, then I'm calling Social Services.  For real.  So stop asking.

9.)  I did not make the decorating decisions.  I just work here.  Do not lecture me, because really?  I don't care.

10.)  For the last time, LIVING SOCIAL AND GROUPON ARE 2 DIFFERENT COMPANIES.  Do not confuse the two.  Furthermore, the "Groupon" (read:  Living Social) that you bought is not for a "Hand and Stone Massage and Facial Spa."  That is the name of the company.  You wouldn't say you had a voucher for a McDonald's.  You aren't buying the whole franchise.  Read beyond just the first words on the page, please.

11.)  Yes, my name is Eden.  No, I do not have a garden.  And no, I was not "made to work in a spa."  I'm not like Smuckers, so stop your dirty insinuating.  Also, you're wearing a bow tie, but you aren't a professor in a tweed jacket.  This means you are automatically getting a strike against you in the Possible Douche-Bag column.  Now leave me alone.

Follow my advice.  Don't follow it.  Either way, remember:  Don't fuck with the people who make your food or schedule your appointments; it never ends well.