Diet Help

I'm supposed to be typing up the minutes from this morning's staff meeting.  I'm supposed to be reorganizing the archives in the library to accommodate this year's festival collateral.  I'm supposed to be doing a lot of things.  But we just finished a staff lunch.  And I felt compelled, nay obligated, to share with you the past 10 minutes of conversation.  One of my coworkers is getting married this weekend (mazel!), and she--like many brides--is worried about fitting into her dress.  So we began talking about what, if anything, she could do in the next 3 days to drop some weight.  For the record, I'm staunchly against cleanses, fad diets, and any other sort of drastic measures to lose weight.  Then again, for the record, I'm a size 10, and I recognize there is a direct correlation between my anti-diet, pro-carbs/chocolate lifestyle, and the diameter of my jeans legs.  I get it.  But whatever, Baby Girl's got curves, and Baby Girl's gonna rock 'em (so that I can continue to eat carbs and chocolate).

Anyway, at first people were being all "you should try a juice cleanse" or "have you heard of the all-protein diet?"  And okay, sure, I guess in a pinch you can try that.  Hell, I've even seen a show once where a guy goes on a Guinness Diet.  But the following are the [perhaps joking] options my coworkers put forth in an effort to be helpful:

1)  3-day juice cleanse
2)  All-protein diet ("and by the end of it, you just have, like, old man stuff coming out of you!"  I am not making that commentary up.)
3)  An emergency enema
4)  Outpatient liposuction
5)  Becoming a pack-a-day smoker but just for the next three days ("when I was in college, I smoked a pack a day, ate cheeseburgers and pizza all the time, and weighed 100 pounds!")
6)  And finally:  "How do you feel about cocaine?"

The end.

P.S.  Do you think we should contact Suzanne Sommers and tell her we're onto something?  "Thigh Master?  You mean Thigh-Blaster ENEMA?"  Okay, so the name needs work...