Dear Universe,
I think it's time we had a DTR. Things have been a little up-and-down for us lately, and now we need to put a label on whatever this is. We need to Define The Relationship.
The last few months have been hard ("shit" might be a more appropriate adjective, but I'm trying to be nice here). For my part in the animosity, I take full responsibility, and apologize profusely; it was just the childish whining of someone who still doesn't feel like a fully-fledged grown up. But I'm ready to move on and get it together. I'm ready to commit to You and whatever craziness You have planned for me--and now I'm asking you to do the same. I've spent the last 2 months swallowing my pride and letting my guard down, when really all I wanted to do was give a giant middle finger to Life in general and go become a hermit in the tropics. And honestly, in light of my recent adult-like behavior, I kind of thought You and I were on the upswing. It seemed like everything was beginning to come together, particularly in the Job and Personal Life Departments, and I thought You were working your cosmic magic to make it all, well, magical.
Not so, it would seem.
Don't get me wrong, things are definitely better on the job front, and for that, I'm grateful. Well done, us. Go team. But let's have some real talk for a second: you dropped the ball on the personal life bit. Toying with me like this is no longer acceptable. Therefore, in an effort to make Your job a little easier in that regard, I have enclosed a list of some of my best attributes. Feel free to use this as a resource when nudging (pushing?) someone in my direction, because I'm guessing there's only so many times You can say, "Trust me, she's fabulous!" before they stop listening. After a while, "Trust me, she's fabulous!" becomes the new "She's got a good personality." So here's a cheat sheet for when you need to laud me to anyone worthy.
I'm anxiously awaiting your reply (read: get an effing move on already).
Kisses,
Eden
1. I'm hilarious. Have you read my blog? Hi-LAR-ious. My quick wit makes me a winning conversationalist and a great guest at a cocktail party.
2. I'm slap-your-mama smart. I was a Presidential Scholar at Rhodes College from 2003-2007. I hold a master's degree from an accredited university. I can quote Nietzsche and discuss quantum theory (no really) and give you a brief history on the evolution of the choral mass. I've read Dante and Dostoyevsky, Austen and Aristotle. Again, this all makes me a winning conversationalist and a great guest at a cocktail party.
3. I don't take myself too seriously. Sure I'm ridiculously hilarious and wicked smart; but I can laugh at South Park and bad Justin Timberlake/Jimmy Fallon sketches like anyone else. I think this can be referred to as "well-rounded" in any discussion You may be having on my behalf.
4. I'm a freakin' bombshell. I can rock red lipstick and short punk hair and bitch boots like it's my job. I can have long tresses and flowy skirts and be as feminine as you please. Doesn't matter which look I'm flaunting, though, because I'm a hottie with a body and confidence for days--which, incidentally, is how I manage to pull off red lipstick on a random Tuesday morning and punk rocker hair on the regular. I'm not conceited, it's just that facts are facts. Plus, I do squats--lots of squats. So You know I'm looking good in them jeans.
5. I've got mad cooking skills. Some of my specialties include Southern-style biscuits with homemade peach preserves, rhubarb pie, incredible vegetarian chili, pumpkin cranberry bread, chicken and dumplings, sweet potato and Brussels sprouts hash, and seared pork chops with a balsamic reduction. But honestly, the list goes on. I love food, so I love to cook; I'm adventurous and I've got damn good instincts. I pretty much rock the crockpot, okay? And really: show me a man who doesn't appreciate good food, and I'll show you a man who probably also has no personality (spoiler alert: it's because he's dead).
6. I have extremely varied interests. Because being interested in only one thing is boring. Sure, you can have your specialty, your raison d'etre, but let's not be one dimensional, am I right? So I like music and books and movies and food. I like putting on some high heels and drinking martinis. I like sitting in a bar and drinking beer and watching football. I like to do yoga and hike and ski (or at least I'm getting there) and go for drives to nowhere and sit with my ass on the sand watching the ocean. It doesn't take a lot to entertain me, so long as the company and the conversation are good.
And really, Universe, that's the point. I'm willing to put in the work for some good company and good conversation. Because if you've got that--a good person who can keep you interested and is willing to do the work, too--then everything else is secondary. So let's figure it out, okay? Let's work together and make this happen. Let's find me a good person to do the work with. Can you start whispering all this in his ear, wherever he is, and let him know to get a move on? Gentle nudges can go a long way, you know.
But, seriously, it probably wouldn't hurt to mention the awesome cooking and the great ass, just in case The Guy doesn't hear You the first time...
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