So I've been doing this whole Online Dating thing for a few weeks now (and when I realize I signed up for 6 months of this, I begin to stare down the void and wonder "what the hell was I thinking?!"). And I've learned some things. Some about myself, some about the nature of life, and some about the wasteland that is the dating scene here on The Mountain. And, because I'm narcissistic enough to think anyone besides me cares about any of this, I wanted to share it with you (whoever "you" are--is anyone out there?).
1.) There will be that one person in your relationship past against whom all other potential life mates are compared. Recognize it, embrace it: Resistance Is Futile. The good news is that this will give you a quick and dirty overview of things you absolutely want in a partner--and things you absolutely will never put up with again.
2.) You will realize very quickly that snap judgments are not only part of the process, but they are necessary. All those years you spent in your early 20s trying to better yourself and "be more open to different kinds of people" will go flying out the window, because otherwise you will spend hours trying to scrounge up an iota of interest in a guy whose profile consists of phrases that mean nothing to you. See: "Bonus points if you got the High Fidelity reference in my tagline!" or "Any girl I'm with has to be confident enough to ride those back bowls with me." Thanks, but the only type of "riding" I've done lately has been in a car towards whatever place has the best happy hour. Because, unlike my powder-shredding online dating comrades, I work a 9 to 5 and enjoy a nice glass of wine at the end of the day.
3.) Every word you type, either on your profile or in an email, suddenly carries more weight than Kirstie Alley in the late 1990s (too soon?). You begin second guessing everything you say, because you think it isn't funny enough, or engaging enough, or smart enough (or maybe it's too smart--because when dealing with the general public, I'm beginning to learn that "smart" can sometimes be a pejorative). And this fear is confirmed when that witty email you sent to the cute, self-proclaimed nerdy med student about how the dog in his profile picture looks like Falcor goes unanswered for 2 weeks--obviously, you've out-nerded a nerd, and should go hide under the covers while watching Firefly reruns and following the Whovian fandom on Tumblr. This will be your punishment-cum-comfort.
4.) You will begin to realize that you are either an old soul trapped in a 29-year-old body, or you've just reached Dorothy Zbornak status 30 years too early. You post your carefully crafted profile, which contains just enough wit combined with honesty about where you are in life combined with quirky trivia about yourself, and you wait for a career-having, life-established 30 year old guy to absolutely get it and fall in love with you instantly. This? Won't happen. What will happen is that 45-55 year old divorcés will respond, telling you that you've got the best profile they've seen and asking you to reconsider your age restrictions and position on dating someone who has an ex-wife and alimony payments. I'm not there yet, Mr. Pre-Nup, but ask me again in 6 months and we'll see.
5.) What terrified you in middle school (read: and up until the end of grad school) will now seem commonplace: boys are going to know that you like them. No checking of yes, no, or maybe required, because the online dating website is going to shoot the boy an email as soon as you've so much as lingered over a picture of him for too long. You will get over the panic of rating his profile highly because you begin to think, "So what if he doesn't respond? It's not like I'll ever actually see him or send him Christmas cards. He may think whatever the devil he pleases about me."
6.) Just kidding! You will, in fact, actually see this person in real life, and so you will begin praying to Zeus that he doesn't recognize you from your profile picture. But maybe this is just because I live in a small mountain town where everyone knows everyone else, and anyone under the age of 40 seems to congregate at the same 3 restaurants for Après every day.
7.) Also, remember what I said about not having to check yes, no, or maybe? Yeah, just kidding about that, too. Because the website was actually designed by precocious, computer programming 12 year olds. So whenever you get your "Daily Matches," you do actually have to go through and click Yes, No, or Maybe to let the site help narrow down your interests. It's like Pandora, but for people.
8.) You will marvel at how difficult some people find making conversation. I can understand being thrown into a group at a cocktail party, and realizing that their in depth conversation about Balzac isn't a long lead up to a dirty punch line--that would make anyone stammer in awkward confusion. But over email, when you have days to respond with an interesting response that would initiate a discussion, and you choose instead to simply say (for the 4th time in the email thread), "So how is your week?" I will put on my Judgey Judge Judy robes and bang the gavel: case for relationship potential dismissed.
So. All of this to say that I haven't met Prince Charming yet. I haven't even met Sir Pretty Okay, Duke of Mediocrity. And honestly, at this point I might settle for some lame dates just to have the requisite string of 1st dates leading nowhere under my belt and out of the way. And okay, there are days that I'm extremely choosy and click "no" on almost every guy that the website parades by me. But then there are days that curiosity and the openness and naiveté of my 22 year old self win over, and I try to initiate some form of communication with the majority of the guys in my news feed. But so far my Online Dating biography reads like one long Missed Connection post on Craigslist--one or both of us just keeps on scrolling because we find something off-putting or less-than-compelling in the other's profile. But I guess, for now, I'll keep at it--in between Firefly reruns and speculations on Tumblr about how the 12th Doctor will stack up against Tennant and Smith and Baker, of course...
Although Hailey and I met on OKC, we've since talked a lot about the new popular app--Tindr. At first glance it sounds horrifically shallow and empty: because it gets rid of the whole profile thing. You look at a picture of somebody (presumably their best) and then say, okay, this is somebody I would at least go on a date with based on looks alone.
ReplyDeleteBut the more we talk about it (and with friends who use it) the more we realize that, while "shallow;" it is more honest: the judgment of the profile is gone, the carefully crafted words and obsessive e-mail writings and so on. It all starts with the requisite: is this person physically attractive to me or not. Which, we all hate to admit, is a very important factor when we're not in Deep-Settle-Mode.
Food for thought. I'm always cheering you on.
My bad, "Tinder." I guess my spelling was too hip for the reality.
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