The List

For those of you playing at home (and following me on Facebook), you'll know that I recently wrote a guest post for a plucky little girl-power website called Inspiher.  In this post I encouraged people to "just jump already," to take that flying leap off the metaphorical cliff that has been terrifying them, to go after the one thing they want but are too afraid to try.  It was only yesterday that I realized it was high time that I started taking my own advice--after all, that's what the last post was really all about, right?  Don't worry, the irony is not lost on me that I wrote the Inspiher story and then spent 24 hours paralyzed by a tiny, insignificant thing (getting a dude's phone number, all for naught as he's presently un-single) that for me was the metaphorical cliff I couldn't fling myself from and for others is an anthill to be stepped over like so many other infinitesimal life instances.  I get it.

But as I'm sure you're sick of hearing about by now, I've been gun shy (guy shy?) about opening myself up to another human for some time now.  People who I love and respect very much, and who I know love and respect me, have encouraged me to "make a list" in an effort to identify the qualities that another human must possess in order for me to be not terrified.  But I did that, Sandra Bullock Practical Magic-style, and that's how I ended up with David.  I mean, it was frightening how well he fit the description.  I even predicted his name.  Seriously.  So whenever someone has suggested making The List, I tell them I've tried that and it backfired and I'm not really interested in such frivolous or potentially heartbreaking exercises, thankyouverymuch.

Well, I broke down this weekend, and created a new List.  Partially this was due to the nudging I thought the Universe was doing, and partially it was because I had a panic-stricken moment where I thought, "Oh God, what if the linguist-yogi-massage therapist man is like one of my super-lame exes?  I have a type, after all, and so what if those characteristics are in him, too?"  So once again my friend Laura listened patiently, and then said, "Well, why don't you make a list of things that you actually want, and if someone doesn't have those things or has traits that are intrinsically antithetical to those things, you can ditch him?"  Okay, so she may not have said "intrinsically antithetical," but she's way smart, so it's a possibility.  And anyway, you get the idea.

So, here it is, for general consumption and for Universal awareness (are you listening, Universe?): 

The List

1.) Must love dogs:  It's non-negotiable, and not just because to love me is to love The Beagle.  Dog people are different.  And I never saw the movie, but I'm sure that John Cusack would fit the bill nicely.  Because who wouldn't want a guy to hold a boom box above his head outside your window as a means of professing his undying love for you (okay, maybe I'm mixing movies here...).

2.) Someone to lounge with on Sunday mornings, while doing the New York Times crossword (in pen) in bed, and drinking coffee: I don't know why, but this is my idea of heaven.  And anyone who loves crosswords and coffee like I do would get along with me swimmingly.

3.) Intelligent (post-bachelors degree preferred, but not required): I'm smart, and once I got out of the 8th grade, I stopped making apologies for it.  I need someone who can keep up.  Or better yet, who makes me keep up.

4.) Curious: I grew up in a household where, if my sister or I asked a question about space or the Redwoods or quantum physics at the dinner table, my mother's eyes would light up and say, "I don't know, let's look it up!" before jumping up to grab the appropriate volume of the Encyclopedia.  On the way to school every day, my dad would teach us something new: how a carburetor works, the history of Halley's comet, why Stan Freeburg may be the funniest man on the planet.  At the time, I hated these practices, but now I've grown to appreciate the "need to know" gene, and my partner has to at least understand it, if not share it.

5.) Passionate about something: I don't care what it is, but I need somebody who gets excited about a piece of life (as long as it's not chopping people to bits).  How boring must a person be if they don't feel passion for something on this planet?

6.) Has a good relationship with his family (and by extension, a good family): Families are dysfunctional enough, and mine is no exception.  I don't need extra tension/dysfunction in my life.  Thanksgiving should be at least semi-enjoyable, not a dreaded chore wherein I wonder how many times his mother can ask me why I don't go into "a more profitable field" before going postal (this has actually happened to me).

7.) Someone who will push me in new ways: I'm a homebody, an introvert, and I like my routine.  I need someone who can lovingly encourage me to do new things, or to get out and explore this crazy mountainous place I live, or to drive to Moab for the weekend "just because."  The key here is to "lovingly encourage," which brings me to my next point:

8.) Respects Balance: I'm a homebody, an introvert, and I like my routine.  I'm all about trying new things and exploring new places or meeting new people, but let's not get crazy.  I need time to rejuvenate, which often means spending time alone, being very still and quiet, and I want someone who won't make me feel guilty about it (this, too, has actually happened to me).

9.) Appreciates music: Because, have you met me?  Yeah.  Bonus points if he plays guitar and will serenade me while I cook dinner.

10.) Enjoys a good meal:  Not a deal breaker, but I like to eat, and I like people who like to eat.  I'm Southern and I grew up attending a Methodist church every Sunday of the world:  a good potluck is it's own religion, and the world's problems could probably be solved over a good batch of biscuits.  Hey, I don't make the rules.  But biscuits done right are the ish.

11.) Can get dressed and go out like a grown ass man: (That one had some editorializing from Laura.)  You know what?  Even if planning meals and looking at cookbooks doesn't register as "food porn" for you, that doesn't mean you can get away with always wearing jeans and Chacos to dinner, or that a "nice dinner out" counts when it's Carrabba's.  Put on some nice pants, make a reservation at an interesting restaurant, and take me out, dammit.  And don't bitch when I want to order wine with dinner.  Because, really.

12.) Socially progressive: Again, have you met me?  I have more Friends of Dorothy friends than....well, than Dorothy, I guess.  Plus, I will never tire of talking about my time in college spent working with the V-Day movement or co-founding a rape crisis counseling network.  Get on board, or get the fuck out.

13.) Active/outdoorsy/playful:  Never been rafting.  Would kind of like to go.  Ain't gonna do it on my own.

14.) Bookish by default: I need somebody who enjoys a good book, or who can at least talk about something he has read other than "some book about boys who were shipwrecked that I had to read in 10th grade."  But I feel like if Mr. Man gets past #2, this will be a given.

15.) Loves to laugh:  There's almost nothing sexier than a quick wit and a good laugh.

16.) Must know how to fight: Couples fight.  I want someone who fights fair--healthily and respectfully.  And I don't want every fight to feel like "Oh God, this might be The One, the fight where he leaves."  The relationship can't be on the table during every scuffle or even during a knock-down drag out.  Then nothing gets accomplished.  Which lets me end with:

17.) Must believe in the philosophy of "I love you AND...": If you're in a fight, or even disagreeing about something small, or making a major life decision, there needs to be an implicit understanding of "I love you and..." not "I love you BUT..."  I love you, and we'll get through this.  I love you, and if you need to consider taking a job that would move us away from this place, we'll make it work.  I love you AND.  It's important.  It's vital.  Basically, it sums up the other 16 things on this list, because even if Mr. Man falls short of one or some of these things, or if my particular brand of crazy sometimes makes me less quirky and more unstable, we have to firmly believe that the love is strong enough to get us through, and at the end of the day, that's all that matters to us.  "And" is important.

So, Universe, if you're paying attention, this would all be great.  It's a lot, I know.  But really, at this point?  I feel like I've earned it to not settle for anything less than what would make me incandescently happy.