If you haven't been inundated with the Shit Girls Say videos, and all of their derivatives, then you haven't lived. I would link you to the videos on YouTube, but for some reason YouTube refuses to play nicely today, so you'll have to use some initiative and look it up on your own. (For the record, Shit Black Guys Say is also hilarious: "Man, I mercked that shit!" might be the best line in the history of ever. Because, really, what the hell does that even mean???) So, it is in that spirit that I give you this, Shit SXSWers Say. I think what makes these random one-liners so funny to me is that they have been taken completely out of context, which makes my imagination run rampant as to the lead-up to the statement I actually did hear (along the same lines of "But, I love you and everything!" and "But you slept with her, and stuff!"--but that's a different blog post entirely.). If your inner monologue can't fill in the gaps surrounding these conversations, then may God have mercy on your blog-reading soul, because this will be terrible for you. YOU'RE WELCOME.
Epic One-Liners, Brought To You By Austin, The Great State Of (or something):
Uttered by a twenty-something girl with stark black, spiky hair with fire-engine red streaks, wearing skinny jeans and several facial piercings: "I dunno, I just don't think I'm meant to have children." Um, because they'll think their mother is a futuristic metal-based reptile, or because your maternal instinct is somehow lacking? Either way, man, just so it swings...
A desperate cry from another concert-goer: "I'm gonna need a Xanax and Depends, just to make it through this show!" No explanation needed, I feel.
After I pulled a sneer at one of the performers on stage who was sporting a dark bob, large round sunglasses, and a tight LBD (that would be Little Black Dress), my friend Heath turns to me and says: "You just hate her because you think she's making fun of Audrey Hepburn." To which I replied, "Awwww, I love that you get me!" Really? Don't fuck with Audrey.
After returning home, at approximately 1am: "Um, Steph, why does it smell like a bird's nest in here?" A) What exactly are the olfactory criteria for a bird's nest scent? 2) How do you KNOW what those criteria are? and D) WHO SAYS THAT??????
After realizing the remaining members of The Loiterers were nearly 30 minutes late to the game day we had planned: "Weren't we all supposed to meet at 3:30?" "Well, yeah, but they're on Asian time." (Edward, you can be pissed at Heath for the racial stereotyping this time.)
Couldn't even begin to tell you the context here: "It's a Korean with a faux-hawk, are you really gonna try to question this shit?" (That, my dear Edward, was Steph. Don't y'all love how I'm not above pointing fingers to stir up shit, especially now that I'm 1,300 miles away? Again, YOU'RE WELCOME.)
After a confetti popper went off at a concert, and our Sassy Hispanic Friend (OMG, is that like a Sassy Gay Friend?!?! Because everybody needs one of those!) hits the deck and says, "Hey, I'm Hispanic--you hear something like a gunshot and you get down." I'm pretty sure that's just science.
Some drunk chick eating al fresco, who obviously was fed up with her boyfriend's crap: "Oh my God, I'm just going to start signing everything so you stop yelling at me." (This should be read in a slightly slurred, Valley Girl manner for full effect.)
Two girls standing in the middle of the street, staring down some random dude: "Oh my God, there's our drug dealer!!! Squeeeee!!!" And then they ran over to give him a hug. Only in Austin. (MMG contends that this could have happened in Memphis, where we went to school, but I argue that it would be a lot less genial and more, "Oh shit, there he be!" I don't know, too much too soon? Probably...)
Upon seeing the video taken at the Friends (no, Jenny Aniston was not there; different) concert at The Clive Bar, where Stephanie was taken up on stage by her now-Baby Mama lead singer: "What are we doing????? I don't see my legs!! Are we scissoring???" (I can't get the video to load here--anyone have a photo they'd like to share for the greater cause? I feel like a visual aid could work wonders.)
And the rest, I feel, work best with absolutely no set up whatsoever:
"If I had a pussy, it would be moist over this guy." (Yeah, Mom, I warned you, didn't I???)
"Do you want me to pump while you squirt?" (Okay, to be fair, this one was about a keg.)
"What's all this 'Hipster' shit, what is that?"
or:
"But what's a 'Hipster?'"
"Picture a gay Waldo." Yup.
"This is my first real SX; I don't think I've ever been under a parachute screaming, 'We are undead!' before."
"I mean, that's not a movie where you're like, 'Hey, let's have a movie night! I brought Passion of the Christ! Who's in?'"
And finally, regarding some crazy Hispanic girl on the bus, after she assumed some other lady was hitting on Chicky's man and went bagfuck, batshit, ham-sandwich crazy--thank you, Jen--(because this poor woman accidentally bumped into him when the bus lurched): "I didn't know you could go that hard so early in the morning! And really? We needed to unite against this bitch like those people on that flight on 9/11, because she was terrorizing my day!"
Yeah. Irreverence abounds. This is the reason I love Austin. Tomorrow's post? "Buy a motorcycle, throw a girl on the back, and head to Marfa." Get ready, y'all.
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